


Gone

by storytimewritings



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, post will's death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 12:54:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5540822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storytimewritings/pseuds/storytimewritings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Memories of Alicia's moments with Will and her feelings after his death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gone

**Author's Note:**

> I just found this fic that I wrote not long after Will's death and thought I might as well post it. I got a bit caught up in the emotion of it, and this came from that.

His face haunts her dreams, weaving consistently through them as if serving a higher purpose, regaling her with an abundance of happy memories. There’s that time in the elevator, the shots of tequila at a bar after a hard day’s work, the sneaking around the office that’s necessary because he’s the boss and it’s all so inappropriate. 

But mostly, she remembers how much she used to smile around him, as if her whole world wasn’t currently falling apart, as if she wasn’t worried that the whole world, and especially her husband, would find out. Because in these moments she feels truly free, the first time since as far as she can remember. Laughing is not difficult, and she figures that perhaps she should tone it down a little, if only so that it’s not too obvious. She knows that some of the others know, but thankfully aren’t mentioning it. 

The best part about it is how easy it all is. How easy it is to lie, to pretend that she’s not cheating on her husband like he did to her. And yet, that’s also the scary part. Because as much as it meant nothing to him, this means everything to her. And she thinks he knows,deep down, what’s really going on. But then, they’ve always been rather good at avoiding the ugly truths. Really, that’s the only way she’s been able to stand by her husband’s side this whole time. Together, they have a mountain of truth bombs hiding in plain sight, ready to explode at a moment’s notice. 

But with him, she can forget about all these troubles, almost wishing instead that this could be real, that maybe if they hadn’t been so clueless, she would have been with him from the start, instead of her husband. But as much as she wishes this, she also could never wish away her own children. They help keep her fighting, at least, to pretend that she’s got this all figured out, because they need her. Just like she needs them. 

But it’s not all good memories. There’s the concern over what to do, the shouting over every miscommunication, the anger over her inability to end it with her husband, as much as she wants to. But it’s not what she wants for the kids, and she’s always been firm about that, just as he’s always steadfastly stated that it’s only ever been her. 

And then everything they dreaded happens, her husband finds out, and suddenly it’s ended, because there’s really no point to it all anymore, not when it’s so easy to get hurt. He’s spiteful, her husband, and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to end the career of the man his wife’s in love with. But he’ll keep it between them, because projecting their dark secret to the world won’t help his career either. And honestly, that’s really all he seems to care about these days. 

At first, it’s more awkward than anything else. They’re stuck together at work too often to coordinate avoidance strategies. And then it just becomes downright difficult to concentrate, to forget, or at least pretend to, what happened between them. 

The worst part of it all, is the knowing looks from some of their colleagues, those who were always ‘in-the-know’, regardless of the fact they’d never told anyone. As their closest friends, it’s certainly understandable that they saw this coming. Not just the beginning, but also the end. As much as both of them wanted it to be forever, they all knew that a man as powerful as her husband wouldn’t let her get away. So yes, these looks are easily the worst part about the break-up, even worse than the random memory hits during an important meeting, hinting at the former good times. 

Then there’s the drifting apart, and later, betrayal. Suddenly, they are way back past where they started, barely able to handle being in the same room, let alone hold civil conversation. There are no more stolen glances across the room, instead, betrayal and anger fuel their meetings, as they constantly try to out-do each other. And yet again, colleagues and former work friends alike have the front seat, trying to bring them both back down to earth, before they do something they regret. But unfortunately, there’s no way of going back. This is so much worse than when she broke it off with him. This time, she violated his trust, almost single-handedly ruining the company he had spent his life building. There is no going back.

What’s really sad though, is that she would do anything to share these moments with him again, even the bad. Because she knows that this is simply a dream, a web of memories meant to soften the blow, when all they really do is make it worse. When she wakes up, the nightmare of reality will return.

He is gone. Dead. He’s never coming back.

So, like the good girl she used to be, she picks herself up, and washes away the evidence of her memories. She’s ready to face the world again, or at least, that’s the facade she puts in place. Because in reality, as cliche as it sounds, life will never be the same again. Of course, every day it will get a little easier, life will be a little less painful to bear.

But in the meantime, she has a meeting to get to.


End file.
